Seattle vs. Portland: Debate Club Edition

Seattle. Photo: Author

Seattle and Portland are in many ways two organic peas in a pod. Kindred spirits. We dwell in the upper left corner of the map, in mossy green landscapes surrounded by snowy mountains and tidal estuaries. We deal with nine months of rain and gray skies by drinking bottomless mugs of coffee and beer, then rejoice with hiking and biking when the sun comes out. We value freedom and individuality, but you can count on both of us to vote in the blue column and compost in the green bin.

But that’s where the similarities end. In addition to the most obvious difference – Seattle is bigger – there are nearly endless comparisons to be made. I think about them every time I make the 170-mile journey up I-5 (or on Amtrak Cascades) to the Emerald City. There are moments of jealousy, but also moments of “whew, glad I didn’t move here.” Each city excels at different things.

On that note, the following are my observations from 17 years visiting and 6 years living in the great Pacific Northwest. Let's do this debate club style, with 15 topics. (Deal with it - we like to read here in the Northwest). Representing my dual opinions will be Chief Seattle and the Portlandia statue. We'll be "Portland polite" and let Chief Seattle state his arguments first (respect your elders), followed by a nice passive-aggressive rebuttal from our lady in copper, Portlandia. We used to settle our scores with NBA games, but now the only sport we have in common is Major League Soccer. And that can end in a 0-0 draw.

1. WEATHER

Chief Seattle: Seattle is further north, but we often have milder winters. The ample waters of Puget Sound moderate those Alaskan cold fronts. And unlike you poor saps in Portland, we don't have the Columbia Gorge sucking frigid continental air from the hinterlands, creating snow and ice and bone-chilling wind in Portland (especially Northeast Portland). Also, here in Seattle we have less of those fog-won’t-burn-off days in the winter. We may both be surrounded by mountains, but you're stuck in a bowl.

Portlandia: Your ample Puget Sound also moderates warm summer air, making it…not warm. Bummer. On many a summer day, your citizens have to grab their sweaters as a breeze blows in off the 50-degree water. Meanwhile, it's 82 and sunny in Portland, thanks to our favorable location in an inland valley away from any huge water bodies.

2. MOUNTAINS

Southeast Portland and Mount Hood. Photo: author

Chief Seattle: Come, marvel at our tall, jagged, snowy peaks to the east and west, as striking and beautiful as the Rockies or the Sierra! Did you know the Olympic Mountains are as high above Puget Sound as the Rockies are above Denver? And look to the southeast - it's ginormous Mt. Rainier, the tallest mountain in all of the Northwest!

Portlandia: Our volcano is pretty too, and is not threatening to annihilate several towns.

3. WATER

Chief Seattle: People just can't stop taking pictures of our beautiful open expanses of saltwater, plied by ferry boats and seaplanes. Our big water also gives our ports the edge in the commerce category. I suppose in Portland you have a pair of okay rivers. But they're not very pretty when filled with roiling brown floodwaters.

Portlandia: Our rivers are just fine, thank you. Plus, Portlanders can drive to the real, honest-to-God Pacific Ocean in 90 minutes. None of this Sound nonsense. From Seattle, a drive to the actual ocean will take you several hours, and when you get there, it will be depressing and cold.

4. URBAN DESIGN

Seattle and Elliot Bay. Photo: author 

Chief Seattle: Hey, check out our downtown skyline. Now that’s a skyline! Tall, shiny skyscrapers (up to 932 feet tall), plus the iconic Space Needle. Sure beats Portland’s shrimpy skyline of dated, stumpy buildings. When was the last time a tall building was proposed in Portland? Oh, right, Park Avenue West, postponed indefinitely, a giant hole in the middle of your downtown for three years and counting.

Portlandia: The streets at the bottom of your tall shiny skyscrapers are DEAD. With the notable exception of 1st Avenue and Pike Place, Downtown Seattle street life is non-existent. Just blocks and blocks of concrete walls. Maybe your planners should have required ground-floor retail like in Downtown Portland. We have restaurants, cafes, bars, stores on every block, keeping the streets alive.

5. TRANSIT

Chief Seattle: People are loving Link, our new light rail that’s way faster than your MAX. We may be late to the light rail game, but that allowed us to learn from your mistakes - like putting stations 400 feet apart. Our Downtown Transit Tunnel keeps trains and buses moving while our riders stay dry and warm. And most of our city bus fleet runs on overhead electric wires instead of belching brown smoke. The cherry on top? ORCA card. Just tap the card on the reader when you board any of our transit vehicles. Put more money on your card online or at Link stations.

Portlandia: ORCA is cool, but the main reason you invented it is because you have like five different transit agencies! We have one; it's called TriMet (plus C-Tran in The 'Couv.) And while TriMet may have its problems, we have an easy-to-navigate system - simple routes, and Transit Tracker for your phone. We also have the friendliest bus drivers in America. They'll actually help you instead of giving you the third degree and making you feel like the worst person in the world. I don't usually ask for directions, but I was in Seattle and couldn't figure out your indecipherable tangle of bus routes.

6. WALKING/BIKING

Hawthorne Bridge, Portland. Photo: Lisa Eirene

Chief Seattle: Seattle’s a great walking town, hills and all. It doesn’t have a dirty little secret like East Portland, where sidewalks are almost completely absent, streets don’t connect, and five-lane arterials kill or maim those who attempt to cross them.

Portlandia: Portland’s a great biking town. THE best biking town. More people bike to work, per capita, than any other American city. You should see the Hawthorne Bridge at 8:55am. We also pioneered bike lanes (including green ones), bike boulevards, bike boxes and bike corrals in America. It's also a heckuva lot easier to bike in Portland, since half of our city is flat. Is there any part of Seattle that’s flat? Water doesn’t count.

7. DRIVERS

Chief Seattle: In Seattle, people don’t drive like pansies, so traffic actually moves (at least until you get stuck in one of our admittedly epic traffic jams.) But at least you won’t be stuck at a 4-way stop “outnicing” somebody, or behind a boomer in a Volvo going 10 under the speed limit “for safety.”

Portlandia: About those traffic jams: I can't think of a time when I have NOT gotten stuck in traffic in Seattle. This includes 1:30pm on a Tuesday. What is this, L.A? And yes, we have nice drivers in Portland. People actually stop to let you cross the street instead of killing you.

8. LEAVING TOWN

Chief Seattle: Not that you'd ever want to leave Seattle, but we're just two hours from Vancouver, BC – one of the most amazing cities in the world.

Portlandia: Yeah, we can go there too. Portland's within a day’s drive of Canada, San Francisco, and Yellowstone. There are orange groves 400 miles south of us. And remember what I said about the ocean? Not that you'd ever want to leave Portland.

9. ECONOMY

Chief Seattle: I've been enjoying your namesake show, Portlandia. My favorite line? "It's where young people go to retire." That's rich! Here in Seattle we have real jobs. You can have a successful, rewarding career here in major industries like software, aviation and freight. There are plenty of other jobs too. Unemployment is down to 7.1% here. You're still up at 7.9% in Portland. I think it's funny how Obama makes fundraising stops in Seattle and California, but always skips Oregon because you guys have no money!

Portlandia: Yeah well, you pay a price for your lame-o corporate success. Those prices include $14 omelettes, $4.50 gas and $10 cocktails. Oops - forgot to add the 9.5% sales tax. Dude, you have to shell out to live in Seattle. You're not California expensive, but damn close! I won't even get into housing. People rent entire houses in Portland for the same as a Seattle studio apartment.

10. DIVERSITY

Chief Seattle: Seattle is way more ethnically and racially diverse than Portland, even though we’re both rather white by American standards. And our Asian districts are more Asian than yours.

Portlandia: Portland is the Atlanta of white people! Wait, am I proud of that?

11. COOL PEOPLE

portlandhipster.com

Chief Seattle: Man, your hipsters down there in Portland can get pretty annoying. Let me know when they stop wearing the white skinny jeans and maybe I'll come down for a visit. Oh, and I was drinking Tecate long before it was ironic.

Portlandia: I'll take our hipsters any day over the douchey ballcap dude-bros and high-maintenance woo-girls I see around Downtown Seattle.

Chief Seattle: They're from Bellevue.

12. MUSIC

Chief Seattle: Hey, when was the last time a city changed the face of rock music? That would be when Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden and others created a whole new musical paradigm in early 90s Seattle. A few decades before that we also had a guy named Jimi who was pretty good at guitar. But that's all history. Nowadays we have a huge, diverse music scene. And sorry, but we have better rock bands, with people that can actually play their instruments. Once again your hipsters are ruining things in Portland. Sallie Ford? Really? Finally, we get big concerts. Did you come up here for Radiohead a few weeks ago?

Portlandia: Radiohead sold out in about five minutes. Regarding grunge: Settle down, Beavis - the 90s and grunge are over. Meanwhile, Portland is now an indie rock mecca along with Brooklyn and Austin. This includes indie bands that have become quite successful - The Decemberists, The Shins.

13. SPORTS

Chief Seattle: I'm getting stoked about the Seahawks. We just got Russell Wilson, Wisconsin's QB from last year. Mariners? We're back above 500, thanks to a four-game winning streak. And Ichiro Suzuki is getting people excited about baseball in this town. It's nice having NFL and MLB teams like a real American city. And while our Sonics bailed to Oklahoma City years ago, we've got a new basketball arena in the works.

Portlandia: I see you're trying to get Portlanders excited about baseball, too. There's a Mariners billboard across from my perch on SW 5th Avenue. Rub it in our faces much? Well, at least we have the NBA. And while our Trailblazers may have been the Jailblazers, followed by the Frailblazers, and most recently the Failblazers, they're still OUR Trailblazers. Well actually they're Paul Allen's Trailblazers, just like you have Paul Allen's Seahawks. Let's face it - our only sports rivalry is Major League Soccer. I might add that Portland Timbers fans are the best in the league, even though our team is the now the worst in the West. Meh.

14. FOOD

Chief Seattle: Pike Place Market! World-class food destination. Nothing like it in Portland.

Portlandia: Food carts! Nothing like it in Seattle, because your city code doesn't allow them.

15. BEVERAGES

Chief Seattle: We are the birthplace of second-wave coffee. Behold, the very first Starbucks, where it all began! Beer’s pretty good here too.

Portlandia: Sorry, but we win the coffee AND beer divisions. We are the birthplace of third-wave coffee (Stumptown), and the rightful holders of the title Beervana, with more craft breweries than any other American city. We also have a world-class wine region a half hour southwest of Portland. Yours is 200 miles away in Walla Walla. Walla Walla Walla Walla...

Steve Szigethy: Alright, that's enough. I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I'm declaring a winner. The winner of the debate is: Portlandia. Why? Because I said so. And because she's kind of scary, up there with her trident and buff arms. According to Wikipedia, Portlandia would be 50 feet tall if she stood up. Good night.

Portlandia, holding down the fort. Photo: Wikipedia